


curtain call

by eraserheadbaby



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Bullying, Character Study, Gen, Internalized Misogyny, Misogyny, Personal Growth, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 20:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17988101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eraserheadbaby/pseuds/eraserheadbaby
Summary: Ai has finally become what a pretty young woman should be.She's still not what others want.





	curtain call

The pages of the glossy magazine are getting drenched in her tears and mucus. The silk coated paper leaves a grating sound as she maniacally flips through it, while her finger stings with the burn of a fresh papercut. The girls on the pages seem to stare right through her with their alluring, annoying, empty, ugly expressions.

Ai has truly had enough, and she feels one step away from tearing the entire damned magazine to shreds. But she doesn't have that luxury. Doing that would only be turning her eyes away from the truth; she was born a girl and that comes with a price— the duty to be pretty at all times.

Her classmates have made Ai realize that for years now. Every day is exactly the same. Go to school, be alone, stay silent through everyone's cruel laughs, be called a pig, come back home and read every single women's magazine available. But Ai will repeat this routine as many times an needed, because her options have long been made clear to her— become pretty or suffer.

Ai will try every diet, will buy all the clothes and make up she has to, will change her entire personality, will transform if it means others will finally leave her alone.

No, that's not it.

What she actually wishes for is that she'll finally become a person others will want to be with.

 

*

Ai has been living in Inaba for a year now. It's a sad, god awful place, filled with miserable people, muddy waters and shrivelling grass that reeks of dog piss. But all of that is an afterthought, as this is the place where she's finally made it.

At last, Ai has obtained the ideal body type— slim, but with the much needed curves in all the right places, the ideal wardrobe and make up stash— up to date and in a constant state of renewal, the ideal skin— unblemished, with every little imperfection asphyxiated by layers of expensive foundation, the ideal hair— of course long, brightly colored but not gaudy enough to put off the men around her. It took wasting every last of her pocket money, almost irreparably ruining her relationship with her parents, fainting from hunger a couple times, going through many skin infections, crying herself to sleep at least twice a week, but it was all worth it.

The most crucial point, though, is that Ai has finally learned to interact with others as she should. She flirts every boy around her that fits the criteria of what a presentable boyfriend should be like, dates them for a couple weeks at best and leaves for the next one— a pretty girl should have countless romantic and sexual experiences under her belt. Any ugly guy foolish enough to approach her is automatically barked at with the most biting insults, so that he can know his place. Meanwhile, the girls around her exist so Ai will always have someone to compare herself to, someone who should always be lesser than her. It goes without saying that she doesn't even bother talking to them, unless she has an order to give, or just to let them know about their hideous clothes, their sloppy make up or — her favorite— their extra weight. Girls worthy of respect should never be comparable to pigs, after all.

Ai has finally become what a pretty young woman should be.

*

Ai has been living in Inaba for a year now. Despite its blatant flaws, it's a calming place, almost picturesque in its own insignificant way. The problem is that, even here, she hasn't made it, whatever “it” entails.

Ai feels hungry every day, the smell coming off the Chinese Diner she passes on the way to school enough to make her mouth salivate. The clothes she puts on every day scratch her skin and, to her own eyes, they make her look charming in the way a carnival costume would. Waking up with a zit is enough to make her heart sink to her stomach for the rest of the day, with even her omnipresent pocket mirror unable to offer relief. She really wishes she could cut her hair a bit shorter.

Others don't treat her the way she was led to believe she deserved for being pretty. Not a single one of her numerous boyfriends asks her something, anything about herself, and when she's with them she loses sense of her body, feeling more like an ornament than a person. With them, she's forced to do many things she doesn't feel ready for, but knows she needs to do in order to be a desirable woman. However, the only thing she gets in return for the show she puts on is the entire school calling her a slut. And even though she keeps the mask she calls her face intact and endures the slander, the word is enough to make her throat ache like she just swallowed glass.

Ai has finally become what a pretty young woman should be.

She's still not what others want.

*

Hanging out with Yu seems almost like an accident.

What pushed her to ask him to skip class with her than one day, Ai doesn't know. If asked, she'd probably say that Yu's name was buzzing so much in the school that she wanted to have her chance with such a popular guy. The more time she spends with him, though, the more alien the circumstances become. Yu doesn't hit on her, remains patient throughout her pointless shopping sprees, helps her with her whole messy infatuation with Kou, listens to her embarrassing sob stories. Most of all, he seems entirely unaffected by the rumours and all the frankly terrible things that came with her reputation. And it's not an ephemeral situation either— the foundations of their relationship stay the same even when they properly begin to date.

Ai can't remember herself being this happy before.

The feeling is not just unfamiliar, but humiliating too. Really, was there a difference between Yu and the random guys she'd dated before, or the magazines she depended her entire identity on? In both cases, Ai let her life, her emotions be dictated by others. But that happiness she feels is where the fog clears; the random guys and the magazines never made her happy, they just gave her a frail, phony sense of security by the rules they provided— convincing her she can breathe while holding her head underwater. Yu makes her happy because he doesn't give her rules.

Yu gives her the chance to be herself.

Of course, it doesn't take long for Ai to realize that this chance is as much of a saving grace for everyone as it is for her. All those guys she insulted to their face, all those girls she looked down upon just for existing, they all need that one chance to be themselves, and Ai didn't let them get it. The shame she feels for that is not a newborn emotion for her, but it's the first time she senses it as a stem of growth inside her, and not as a chain of punishment.

It's been a long hard road, but Ai is finally starting to treat herself and her entourage with the respect they deserve.

With that realization by her side, she welcomes the bloom of a hopeful future in her mind. Will she find more people to give her that one precious chance to show the real Ai? Will she even be the one to offer this gift to other people that put on a glamorous camouflage, just like her? For the first time in her life, the possibilities seem endless.

She was a pretty young woman, after all.


End file.
